dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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