what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
