Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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