I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
