She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
