Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
