Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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