it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
