Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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