why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
