I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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