It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
