Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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