this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
