he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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