well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
