she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
