So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
