You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal