Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.