I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome