the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
