We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just invented taco cereal.
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Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
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he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..