I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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