I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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