Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
