I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
