dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
