You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
