Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
this beer tastes like vomit already
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
