so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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