Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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