I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
