It's Friday. Sex?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
