cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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