The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I came so hard my ears popped.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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