Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
