No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
