From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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