U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
