I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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