Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
