I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
