my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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