I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
