I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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