where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
