Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
