Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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