he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
