dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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