We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
