either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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