this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
