So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Randomize
