I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
