I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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