In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
