yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
