So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
