tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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