I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
No subtext here. People are naked.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
